Posted by: on March 10, 2009 at 9:28 am

larouche
Never let reality get in the way of a good conspiracy theory
Monica Conyers believes the Cobo expansion plan is really a plot by the UN to expand the drug trade controlled by the Queen of England. What? That’s no more daffy than believing union members stood on the roof of Cobo Hall with garden hoses to stage a leak during Sunday’s four inch rain storm. Monica, that tin foil hat suits you. Oh and see that picture of Monica’s husband John Conyers? He’s speaking to a bunch of LaRouchians. They actually believe the Queen of England controls the drug trade so, you know, crazy must run in the family. (WXYZ)

Detroit is the new pitiful third world famine place
Jay Leno is coming to town to help us out with a free show at the Palace. Pretty soon there will be benefit concerts organized by ex-Beatles and then Bob Geldof will produce a charity Christmas album for us. Then like 50 singers and Dan Akroyd Rosie O’Donnell will record a We Are Detroit song or some shit. Eventually Angelina Jolie will adopt our orphans. Hands Across Detroit, anyone? (DetNews)

U of M wants to kill your baby leftovers
So you finally got around to having babies for Jesus and your mother-in-law but your inside lady parts no longer work right. Oh hamburgers! You’ve got two choices. Either adopt a baby from a Romanian Juno, thus rescuing an innocent from hopeless poverty, or drop five-figures so you can make your own real baby. You choose option two and, in the process, create a whole mess of surplus embryos. Now “science” wants to use these spare babies for stem cells. What a horrible, horrible injustice. (Freep)

Kilpatrick/Beatty sext: putting a bow on it
The Judge said felon Kwame Kilpatrick had no right to privacy when it came to text messages on publicly owned pagers so he’s looking for another judge to give him $100,000,000 because rights he doesn’t have were violated. Ruth Carter said Mike Cox was planning to call the stripper party a fake from the word go but, then again, it’s Ruth Carter talking so unreliable narrator. Please, please, please let it be true. (DetNews, Freep)

State cuts the next Governor’s pay
In order to save money the state is going to cut the salaries of the Governor, Lt. Governor, Attorney General, and Secretary of State. Not the current Governor, et al but the ones that replace Granholm and company in 2011. That’s kind of a dick move. Maybe Mike Cox can also leave some old cheese in the back of the Attorney General’s desk drawer. (Crains)

There isn’t a lot to do in Jackson
If you are in the prison there’s yard time but for the rest of Jackson’s population there really isn’t a lot of ways to spend your time. That’s why the Eagles (the fraternal organization, not the shitty Don Henley band) have bingo nights. The Eagles themselves are too busy drinking Blatz on tap to pay much attention and that’s why the head of their bingo operation was able to steal $40,000 without anyone noticing, at least until they almost foreclosed the lodge. (MLive)


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Posted by: on March 9, 2009 at 10:08 pm

nullKwame Kilpatrick wants to soft rock you
The first thing that jumps out is a message on page three that reads: “You are the wind beneath my wings.” Not only is Kwame Kilpatrick a liar and crook, he’s also a douche. A disgusting Tim Robbins in High Fidelity kind of douche. He probably won Carlita’s love with his extensive knowledge of Dan Fogelberg lyrics.

Kwame Kilpatrick was like the municipal Louis XVI
“Hi Mr. Mayor. Hope you are alright…I’m home in DC if you need me…Leadership is a B. But rewards make the challenge worth our commitment to our God and our people. YOU ARE CHOSEN. Let’s Roll. Mom.” See, he didn’t just get up in here by just coming. He was CHOSEN. By Jesus. Why do you hate Jesus, Detroit?

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Does Ruth Carter issue verdicts with that mouth?
When the Honorable Ruth Carter, 36th District Court Judge, was head of the Law Department she decided that Gary Brown’s lawsuit amounted to slander and wanted him prosecuted. Prosecutor Mike Duggan was like: Ugh…no. Also slander isn’t a criminal offense. Nice lawyering. Duggan suggested they “play ball.” Carter, in her expert legal opinion, texted: NO FUCKING CHANCE! Say what you will about Mike Duggan but he’s a lot smarter than Ruth “FUCKING” Carter.

That Navigator was very important to Carlita
No wonder the great Navigator saga of 2004 (2005?) seemed to last well past the usual Sweeps Week arc of a Steve Wilson story. Carlita really, really wanted that car. If her husband was going to nail girl Scottie Pippen then Carlita was going to get a really garish looking luxury SUV. Red is a horrible color on that vehicle. You might as well throw in some blue carpet and gold curtain rods.

Sending Smooth B out for some sandwiches
Poor Dominic Pangborn. He built “a life from nothing in this country and not only do good for [his] family but for so many others” only to pitch his dirty deal to the least significant member of Team Kilpatrick. Apparently, Derrick Miller’s main responsibility was fetching lunch. He didn’t dare return with sandwiches on the wrong kind of bread. Again. Always figured that was Matt Allen’s job.

The Kilpatrick-Beatty affair was an Urban Adult Contemporary radio station
There’s a line from Six Degrees of Separation about how collage is the art form of the 20th century. Everything has already been created and we are in a post-modern era of re-invention. Alternatively, we’re a society of lazy slobs who would rather quote Luther Vandross, Anita Baker, and R. Kelly than come up with an original, honest expression of our deepest emotions. For Kilpatrick and Beatty, it’s the latter.

Grooming is important to a healthy long-term sexual relationship
Christine trimmed back her Vietnamese jungle bush with “A CUTE LITTLE BIKINI WAX” and Kwame was like: “I’m GOING TO BE ALL OVER THE BIKINI WAX SECTION OF YOUR BODY. LOL” Take a second to get that little bit of vomit back down your throat. LOL is the all-time single worst contribution to the lexicon. It can’t be said enough. No one over the age of 9 should ever use LOL. Ever. (Freep)

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Posted by: on March 9, 2009 at 9:14 am


It’s text message transcript day!
This afternoon the judge will release another 1400 text messages chronicling the corrupt governing styles of convicted felons Kwame Kilpatrick and Christine Beatty. This thing needs to be a TV show. Also their juvenile love affair. No one would believe grown-ups singing R. Kelly songs to each other, professing their love over text messages, and writing something as inane as “Jerry McGuire 2000! LOL!” but it could work as a tween drama on the N or ABC Family. Tween Kwame and Tween Christine could be student council leaders struggling with school, peer pressure, and parents but totally in love with each other. And always texting. The kids love to text these days. Also Twitter. (Freep)

Even God is in favor of the Cobo deal
The roof of treasured jewel Cobo Hall is leaking. There were tarps and buckets everywhere during Autorama. It’s interesting because, if the Cobo deal had been approved, fixing this roof would probably be the regional authority’s problem. Instead, it’s up to Detroit taxpayers. Maybe Monica Conyers, Barbara-Rose Collins, and Agnes Hitchcock fix the damn roof themselves since they love Cobo so much. Martha Reeves and Joann Watson are on bucket duty. (Freep)

Weather makes local road bureaucrats cry
So the annual winter/spring freeze and thaw cycle is especially bad for the roads this year. Some truckers say Michigan roads are as horrible as a truck stop without porn. Abed Itani of the Grand Valley Metro Council thinks that’s mean because local road commissions aren’t neglecting the roads. They just aren’t fixing them. Hey truckers, stop hurting Abed’s feelings! When he gets sad he totally binge eats and you know he had that weight problem in high school. Abed Itani is such a girl. (MLive)

Final Four will include terrible douchebags
Let’s say you’re on the Pyramid and playing for the big money. Betty White is sitting across from you reading a list of names: Ryan Seacreast, Fergie, the Pussycat Dolls, Ryan Seacreast, ugh ugh Ryan Seacreast… Naturally you would answer: People Who Are Douchebags or Inhabitants Of My Own Personal Hell. Unfortunately this isn’t the Pyramid and Fergie, Ryan Seacreast, and the Pussycat Dolls will “entertain” us during the Final Four. Hasn’t Detroit suffered enough? (DetNews)

Mark Hackel is too thin to run for governor
Since the times of Andrew Jackson, the Democrats have been the party of the common man. They want a 2010 gubernatorial candidate that can relate to the common man in Michigan. That’s why all their candidates (Cherry, Perles, Williamson) are old fat guys. Well, well, well looks like fancy elitist Macomb County Sheriff Mark Hackel wants to break that mold. Mr. I’m-the-Macomb-County-Obama is only 46 and in great shape. Well fuck him and his healthy lifestyle. Mark Hackel couldn’t carry George Perles’ manssiere. Alternatively, are we going to throw away John Cherry for what? An inadequate skinny male! (Macomb Daily)

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