Posted by: on March 10, 2009 at 9:28 am

larouche
Never let reality get in the way of a good conspiracy theory
Monica Conyers believes the Cobo expansion plan is really a plot by the UN to expand the drug trade controlled by the Queen of England. What? That’s no more daffy than believing union members stood on the roof of Cobo Hall with garden hoses to stage a leak during Sunday’s four inch rain storm. Monica, that tin foil hat suits you. Oh and see that picture of Monica’s husband John Conyers? He’s speaking to a bunch of LaRouchians. They actually believe the Queen of England controls the drug trade so, you know, crazy must run in the family. (WXYZ)

Detroit is the new pitiful third world famine place
Jay Leno is coming to town to help us out with a free show at the Palace. Pretty soon there will be benefit concerts organized by ex-Beatles and then Bob Geldof will produce a charity Christmas album for us. Then like 50 singers and Dan Akroyd Rosie O’Donnell will record a We Are Detroit song or some shit. Eventually Angelina Jolie will adopt our orphans. Hands Across Detroit, anyone? (DetNews)

U of M wants to kill your baby leftovers
So you finally got around to having babies for Jesus and your mother-in-law but your inside lady parts no longer work right. Oh hamburgers! You’ve got two choices. Either adopt a baby from a Romanian Juno, thus rescuing an innocent from hopeless poverty, or drop five-figures so you can make your own real baby. You choose option two and, in the process, create a whole mess of surplus embryos. Now “science” wants to use these spare babies for stem cells. What a horrible, horrible injustice. (Freep)

Kilpatrick/Beatty sext: putting a bow on it
The Judge said felon Kwame Kilpatrick had no right to privacy when it came to text messages on publicly owned pagers so he’s looking for another judge to give him $100,000,000 because rights he doesn’t have were violated. Ruth Carter said Mike Cox was planning to call the stripper party a fake from the word go but, then again, it’s Ruth Carter talking so unreliable narrator. Please, please, please let it be true. (DetNews, Freep)

State cuts the next Governor’s pay
In order to save money the state is going to cut the salaries of the Governor, Lt. Governor, Attorney General, and Secretary of State. Not the current Governor, et al but the ones that replace Granholm and company in 2011. That’s kind of a dick move. Maybe Mike Cox can also leave some old cheese in the back of the Attorney General’s desk drawer. (Crains)

There isn’t a lot to do in Jackson
If you are in the prison there’s yard time but for the rest of Jackson’s population there really isn’t a lot of ways to spend your time. That’s why the Eagles (the fraternal organization, not the shitty Don Henley band) have bingo nights. The Eagles themselves are too busy drinking Blatz on tap to pay much attention and that’s why the head of their bingo operation was able to steal $40,000 without anyone noticing, at least until they almost foreclosed the lodge. (MLive)


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