Posted by: on March 9, 2009 at 9:14 am


It’s text message transcript day!
This afternoon the judge will release another 1400 text messages chronicling the corrupt governing styles of convicted felons Kwame Kilpatrick and Christine Beatty. This thing needs to be a TV show. Also their juvenile love affair. No one would believe grown-ups singing R. Kelly songs to each other, professing their love over text messages, and writing something as inane as “Jerry McGuire 2000! LOL!” but it could work as a tween drama on the N or ABC Family. Tween Kwame and Tween Christine could be student council leaders struggling with school, peer pressure, and parents but totally in love with each other. And always texting. The kids love to text these days. Also Twitter. (Freep)

Even God is in favor of the Cobo deal
The roof of treasured jewel Cobo Hall is leaking. There were tarps and buckets everywhere during Autorama. It’s interesting because, if the Cobo deal had been approved, fixing this roof would probably be the regional authority’s problem. Instead, it’s up to Detroit taxpayers. Maybe Monica Conyers, Barbara-Rose Collins, and Agnes Hitchcock fix the damn roof themselves since they love Cobo so much. Martha Reeves and Joann Watson are on bucket duty. (Freep)

Weather makes local road bureaucrats cry
So the annual winter/spring freeze and thaw cycle is especially bad for the roads this year. Some truckers say Michigan roads are as horrible as a truck stop without porn. Abed Itani of the Grand Valley Metro Council thinks that’s mean because local road commissions aren’t neglecting the roads. They just aren’t fixing them. Hey truckers, stop hurting Abed’s feelings! When he gets sad he totally binge eats and you know he had that weight problem in high school. Abed Itani is such a girl. (MLive)

Final Four will include terrible douchebags
Let’s say you’re on the Pyramid and playing for the big money. Betty White is sitting across from you reading a list of names: Ryan Seacreast, Fergie, the Pussycat Dolls, Ryan Seacreast, ugh ugh Ryan Seacreast… Naturally you would answer: People Who Are Douchebags or Inhabitants Of My Own Personal Hell. Unfortunately this isn’t the Pyramid and Fergie, Ryan Seacreast, and the Pussycat Dolls will “entertain” us during the Final Four. Hasn’t Detroit suffered enough? (DetNews)

Mark Hackel is too thin to run for governor
Since the times of Andrew Jackson, the Democrats have been the party of the common man. They want a 2010 gubernatorial candidate that can relate to the common man in Michigan. That’s why all their candidates (Cherry, Perles, Williamson) are old fat guys. Well, well, well looks like fancy elitist Macomb County Sheriff Mark Hackel wants to break that mold. Mr. I’m-the-Macomb-County-Obama is only 46 and in great shape. Well fuck him and his healthy lifestyle. Mark Hackel couldn’t carry George Perles’ manssiere. Alternatively, are we going to throw away John Cherry for what? An inadequate skinny male! (Macomb Daily)

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Posted by: on March 6, 2009 at 8:31 am

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Barbara-Rose Collins is out of her freaking gourd
Half of City Council showed up last night for an informal meeting about Cobo Hall and they did not disappoint. Agnes Hitchcock plans to march on Lansing, throw grapes at the Governor, and get her some stimulus money. Monica Conyers is filing a lawsuit. What fun! Not to be outdone, Barbara-Rose Collins thanked an Arab-American man for inventing geometry. We shit you not. Then she led the Jacobin crowd in a rendition of Onward Christian Soldiers. We aren’t making this up. This is what actually happened. Watch the video. Clarence Darrow warned us: “With flying banners and beating drums we are marching backward to the glorious age of the sixteenth century, when bigots lighted fagots to burn the men who dared to bring any intelligence and enlightenment and culture to the human mind.” (Crains, Freep)

Martha Reeves is dumber than sawdust
We just can’t keep up. There is just so much stupidity on City Council that it is impossible to absorb it all. It’s like moron overload. Martha Reeves once, a half century ago, sang a couple pop songs that people liked. This is her single lifetime accomplishment and it qualifies her to serve on City Council. Thank goodness for her leadership because who else would suggest that city government (with its $300,000,000 structural deficit) buy the city employee’s pension fund? 1. How do you buy a pension fund? 2. What good will that do? It’s worth noting that Reeves and Denny McLain share an attorney so maybe this is Farmer Peets 2.0. Who the fuck knows what’s going on in that woman’s head. (DetNews)

And Monica Conyers behaves like a petulant child
So Andy, the proprietor of Hotfudgedetroit.com, was enjoying a spot of lunch at Louie’s on Mack Avenue when Monica Conyers walked in (wearing a full length mink coat) with her Cosa Nostra-like entourage.  After leaving their taxpayer funded car in a no parking zone, Conyers and friends ordered take-out. When you write the laws you don’t have to follow them. At she didn’t sleep in the back of the car while sending her taxpayer funded bodyguard inside to order her lunch. Stay classy Monica. (Hot Fudge Detroit)

The naturals collect unemployment in a maverick way
Michigan’s unemployment rate is at 11.4%. It hasn’t been that high since December 1984. Back then, the Tigers were reigning World Series champs. It’s been 25 years since the economy sucked this hard. Maybe that means the Tigers will have a good season? Dontrelle Willis and Rick Porcello are supposedly having good springs and that line-up is still fierce. When the unemployment rate is 11.4%, you might as well enjoy the baseball season because there not much else to get excited about. (DetNews)

Making fun of dead people is not funny
WXYT’s Mike Valenti usually spends his air shift bitching about Michigan State and listening to idiot callers offer wholly implausible trade scenarios. The other day he broke format and made fun of Corey Smith. Ha ha ha, Corey Smith probably drowned in the Atlantic Ocean and the Lions really suck! Valenti apologized yesterday. Why? Joking about Corey Smith’s death isn’t anymore inane than some long-time listener, first-time caller from White Lake suggesting the Pistons offer two second round draft pick for Dwight Howard. (Freep)

Preservationists save historic Macomb County landmark
For several years the Clinton Township Big Boy was a gathering place for the local elders. These treasured seniors would share their wisdom with anyone in earshot. On any given day, a Big Boy customer could learn valuable things about “these kids today” and “Burl’s goiter” from these wise and learned citzens. They also enjoyed their senior coffee and, even though it will mean skipping dinner, a slice of the strawberry pie. Sadly changing demographics, the economic downturn, and a new Bob Evans down the road left the Big Boy vacant and facing the wrecking ball. Then at the last minute…a miracle. The beloved old Big Boy is saved! (Macomb Daily)

Guy with Mullet couldn’t bribe a dog catcher now
James Rosendall and his luscious mullet spread hundreds of dollars (and several free lunches) around City Council to get approval for Synagro’s sludge plant. It would have been a thing of beauty, if it had been built. Sadly, Detroit won’t get this wonderful sludge plant because the FBI claims Rosendall’s honorariums to City Council members were really bribes. Just like Cobo, The Man thwarts the will of Detroit’s elected officials. Rosendall and his mullet are broke now and Fifth Third Bank would like their compost pile back. (Freep)

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