Posted by: on March 11, 2009 at 9:14 am

nullThe Palace is not one of the city’s precious jewels
Jay Leno’s free concert has sent City Council over the edge. They are officially in padded room territory now. Martha Reeves plans to call Jay Leno and let him know about venue options in the city proper, such as beautiful Cobo Arena or maybe Harpos. One problem, she doesn’t know his number. Monica Conyers says Martha should just call NBC and they’ll totally connect her because she’s Martha Reeves. The last time Martha Reeves was that relevant, a young unknown named Johnny Carson was hosting The Tonight Show. He’s ok but there will never be another Jack Paar. (DetNews)

Like voting, newspapers are for the olds
The Detroit News made Time Magazine’s list of ten most endangered newspapers. Actually it was ranked fourth. That means the Detroit News is as endangered as fugitive Boston crime boss Whitey Bulger is wanted by the FBI. Naturally, we are linking to this story on the time honored news source known as “Yahoo.” Hmmm…just promise to open the link in the story above. Ok? (Yahoo)

Dave Bing’s education status angers up the Free Press klavern
Dave Bing one time said he earned his degree in 1966 when in fact he didn’t actually finish his program until 1995. Meh. It’s not like was a drug dealer in college like, say, Kwame Kilpatrick. Free Press message board participant “BiggyD” (who looks like he maybe once failed a community college course) writes: “Well the list of black men I admire is now down to two: Joe Dumars and Colin Powell. Every time I read, hear or see blacks act like blacks I try to remember there are some I admire. That list has just gotten smaller.” The Free Press can eliminate the message board instead of home delivery. Let these slobs return to Stormfront where they belong. (Freep)

If Walker: Texas Ranger was a Philip Roth novel
So…Chuck Norris and Glen Beck are starting their own private Plot Against America Friday afternoon with a special broadcast to a secret network of secessionist “cells” on the Fox News. The show is called We Surround Them. “We” meaning Glen Beck, Chuck Norris, and Tim McVeigh’s militia buddies and “them” meaning the blacks. Also the Muslims and the gays. Metro Detroit’s “cell” will watch this historic address at Hamlin Pub located at…wait for it…22 Mile and Hayes. Show up wearing your best Obama buttons and vintage Harvey Milk t-shirt. (WorldNet, Meet-up)

Felon Kwame Kilpatrick is the Texas justice system’s problem now
Kilpatrick gets to take his sorry ass to Texas for his charity job from Peter Karmanos. He also has to pay $16,000 of his restitution before he goes. That means he only owes Detroit taxpayers another $984,000. Then the Judge gave Kilpatrick a good talking to about respecting the system. Kwame Kilpatrick now understands that it was wrong to fly on a private jet to Texas, lease a new Escalade, etc when he still owes $1,000,000 to the taxpayers. In the future he will behave with humility. Say, while I have your attention, can we talk about an amazing time share opportunity? How would you like a week’s vacation for the rest of your life? (Freep)

Hands Across Detroit
Yesterday’s State of the State predicted that Detroit would become the new third world cause célèbre, replete with benefit concerts and the like. Actually that’s already happening. Later this month, a ten-day rock show marathon benefit will take place in Ferndale. Ok, ten days of music sounds pretty cool. They should invite Joan Baez to bray on about this being our Woodstock. Hopefully soon the organizers can better explain some details. Like what this Bob Geldof-crossed-with-the-Trumbullplex thing is actually raising money for. Also, ticket prices. Yes, we are snarking on people trying to “help.” That’s what we do. Flame away… (Assembly Line)

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Posted by: on March 6, 2009 at 8:31 am

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Barbara-Rose Collins is out of her freaking gourd
Half of City Council showed up last night for an informal meeting about Cobo Hall and they did not disappoint. Agnes Hitchcock plans to march on Lansing, throw grapes at the Governor, and get her some stimulus money. Monica Conyers is filing a lawsuit. What fun! Not to be outdone, Barbara-Rose Collins thanked an Arab-American man for inventing geometry. We shit you not. Then she led the Jacobin crowd in a rendition of Onward Christian Soldiers. We aren’t making this up. This is what actually happened. Watch the video. Clarence Darrow warned us: “With flying banners and beating drums we are marching backward to the glorious age of the sixteenth century, when bigots lighted fagots to burn the men who dared to bring any intelligence and enlightenment and culture to the human mind.” (Crains, Freep)

Martha Reeves is dumber than sawdust
We just can’t keep up. There is just so much stupidity on City Council that it is impossible to absorb it all. It’s like moron overload. Martha Reeves once, a half century ago, sang a couple pop songs that people liked. This is her single lifetime accomplishment and it qualifies her to serve on City Council. Thank goodness for her leadership because who else would suggest that city government (with its $300,000,000 structural deficit) buy the city employee’s pension fund? 1. How do you buy a pension fund? 2. What good will that do? It’s worth noting that Reeves and Denny McLain share an attorney so maybe this is Farmer Peets 2.0. Who the fuck knows what’s going on in that woman’s head. (DetNews)

And Monica Conyers behaves like a petulant child
So Andy, the proprietor of Hotfudgedetroit.com, was enjoying a spot of lunch at Louie’s on Mack Avenue when Monica Conyers walked in (wearing a full length mink coat) with her Cosa Nostra-like entourage.  After leaving their taxpayer funded car in a no parking zone, Conyers and friends ordered take-out. When you write the laws you don’t have to follow them. At she didn’t sleep in the back of the car while sending her taxpayer funded bodyguard inside to order her lunch. Stay classy Monica. (Hot Fudge Detroit)

The naturals collect unemployment in a maverick way
Michigan’s unemployment rate is at 11.4%. It hasn’t been that high since December 1984. Back then, the Tigers were reigning World Series champs. It’s been 25 years since the economy sucked this hard. Maybe that means the Tigers will have a good season? Dontrelle Willis and Rick Porcello are supposedly having good springs and that line-up is still fierce. When the unemployment rate is 11.4%, you might as well enjoy the baseball season because there not much else to get excited about. (DetNews)

Making fun of dead people is not funny
WXYT’s Mike Valenti usually spends his air shift bitching about Michigan State and listening to idiot callers offer wholly implausible trade scenarios. The other day he broke format and made fun of Corey Smith. Ha ha ha, Corey Smith probably drowned in the Atlantic Ocean and the Lions really suck! Valenti apologized yesterday. Why? Joking about Corey Smith’s death isn’t anymore inane than some long-time listener, first-time caller from White Lake suggesting the Pistons offer two second round draft pick for Dwight Howard. (Freep)

Preservationists save historic Macomb County landmark
For several years the Clinton Township Big Boy was a gathering place for the local elders. These treasured seniors would share their wisdom with anyone in earshot. On any given day, a Big Boy customer could learn valuable things about “these kids today” and “Burl’s goiter” from these wise and learned citzens. They also enjoyed their senior coffee and, even though it will mean skipping dinner, a slice of the strawberry pie. Sadly changing demographics, the economic downturn, and a new Bob Evans down the road left the Big Boy vacant and facing the wrecking ball. Then at the last minute…a miracle. The beloved old Big Boy is saved! (Macomb Daily)

Guy with Mullet couldn’t bribe a dog catcher now
James Rosendall and his luscious mullet spread hundreds of dollars (and several free lunches) around City Council to get approval for Synagro’s sludge plant. It would have been a thing of beauty, if it had been built. Sadly, Detroit won’t get this wonderful sludge plant because the FBI claims Rosendall’s honorariums to City Council members were really bribes. Just like Cobo, The Man thwarts the will of Detroit’s elected officials. Rosendall and his mullet are broke now and Fifth Third Bank would like their compost pile back. (Freep)

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