Posted by: Johnny Loftus on April 11, 2009 at 10:00 am
Everyone knows Jesus fell twice. But did you know that he also stopped along the way to Calvary to rock some Bagel Bites.
Easter Vigil Mass with the Holy Father
12:00am EWTN (Ch: 44)
@ Basilica, Via Aurelia Antica, 415. Rome. 12 Mid to 3am. Holy Father (resident, Vatican City) spins all night. Also featuring Isaiah (Exodus) dropping old school scripture in the big room. Photo booth by EveryoneIsFamousInTheBible. Visuals from Big Finger in the Sky. RSVP to conicalhat@heaven.com for reduced fee entry.
She’s All That
1:00am WKBD (Channel 5 on WOW)
Cook, Prinze, Jr., Walker, Paquin, fucking weird-ass Matthew Lillard, that dude from “West Wing” and “Psych.” Cast reads like a who-was-gonna-be of the late 1990s. From that group, and excluding Paquin’s turn on “True Blood,” Walker is arguably the breakout star. Running Scared was better than it should have been, and let’s not forget the media’s dropped jaw at the mad box office of the refit Fast & Furious. Speaking of reimaginated films, Prinze is probably dreaming of the day he gets the call for She’s STILL All That, She’s All That & More, She’s All Matt, etc.
Barbecue Paradise
1:00am TRAVEL (Ch: 56)
In barbecue paradise, the palm trees are made of chorizo skewers, and Steven Raichlen is Ricardo Montalban. There’s a Weber Grill the size of the Meteor Crater, and everyone rubs dirt off their smoked beef shoulders. The Hot Pocket you’re eating would be better grilled.
Deadliest Catch
2:00am, Discovery
In this week’s episode, Captain Phil is hospitalized, leaving Murray to helm the Cornelia Marie. In next week’s episode, Captain Ron takes over after Murray fucks everything up. Ahoy, there’s hilarity on the horizon. Martin Short guests.
Rebecca
2:15am TCM (ch: 41)
Last week I watched Suspicion in the middle of the night, and declared to no one that Scarlett Johansson is the Joan Fontaine of the 21st century. Fontaine is featured in this film, too, another Hitchcockian riff on the evil that men and women do. Check Joan’s regal visage and slightly haughty indifference in Rebecca; compare and contrast detour-mag.comversion. Alternately, just do another Scar-Jo Google Image search and pass out on your keyboard.
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Posted by: Johnny Loftus on April 4, 2009 at 4:11 pm
When heating your ConAgra Banquet Turkey Pot Pie at 2:30am, be careful not to singe your drunk fingers on the flaming hot poultry jizz that will bleed from its breading. Also, those aren’t peas.
The Real Cancun
1:00am, CW (WKBD)
I can remember this film being a very big deal when it was released in 2003, as it was the first “reality movie.” There was a also big stink made over someone pouring a cup of piss on someone else’s foot. In a critical sense, the piss pourer had no idea how accurate a move this was.
Gem Source
2:00am, HSN
This week on “Gem Source,” join host Willie Aames as he uncovers an ancient fire amethyst, Skeletor’s crystal ball, and a stack of ancient Dungeons & Dragons scrolls that declare once and for all how evil sapphire dragons really are.
Road House
1:00am, AMC
Fuck the X-Men. I want a round of Road House origin films. How did Dalton become so legendary? Did Brad Wesley make his cash in the savings and loan scandals? And where is that bar Dalton calls Wade Garrett at? Also, Wade Garrett could’ve been on Neil’s crew in Heat. “A man puts a gun in your face, you got two options. Stand there and die, or kill the motherfucker.”
Hoover Dam Reinvented
2:00am, NGC
Engineers offer suggestions for improving the Hoover Dam, an engineering marvel of the 1930s. Suggestions include adding a roller coaster, integrating the dam into one of the minus worlds from Super Mario Bros., and waking up Megatron.
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Posted by: Johnny Loftus on March 28, 2009 at 1:41 pm
When we’re all in the bread line, tin cups clacking, we will recall our bad choices from the party store aisle. Verdant fields of potato chips soaked in partially hydrogenated soybean oil, and we were the ass who picked the chips guaranteed to taste like the BK Whaler. What? It was Lent!
JTL
Young John Paul II: Witness to Evil
2:00am EWTN
Michael Dudikoff stars as the 264th Sovereign of the State of the Vatican City. The action unfolds in prequel form, following a young Karol Jozef Wojtyla as he bare knuckle boxes his way through pre-Christian Europe. You’re the real witness, and the evil is his fists.
Austin City Limits ft. Corrine Bailey Rae and KT Tunstall
2:00 a.m. :: PBS (WTVS)
Enjoy the breezy sweet sounds of the romantic comedies/Feria ads of yesteryear (2007). Or just
put your own records on.
Bull Riding: PBR in Tacoma
2:00 a.m. VS
Cowboys in Kevlar cowboy hats riding the animal version of the Caterpillar 797B. Sponsored by PBR. Much like your night.
Ultimate Factories
2:00 a.m. :: National Geographic Channel
Learn how the Caterpillar 797B is built. What is the Caterpillar 797B? Dudes, this:
Here’s some fucked up amateur footage of a fleet of 797B’s. Seriously, it’s like waking up and finding out you’re in Terminator: Salvation, only it’s real. (Christian Bale after viewing this YouTube clip: “‘Daht’s fookin’ amateur, man.”)
Video after the jump… Read more
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Posted by: Johnny Loftus on March 21, 2009 at 12:00 pm
It’s not delivery, it’s Totino’s Party Pizzas. Remember: when you wake to the bright sun of a Sunday morning, that scar tissue you’ll taste on the roof of your mouth is just Totino’s way of saying “I love you.”
Real Genius (1:00 a.m. :: G4)
The Grizz maintains that Top Secret edges Real Genius in the Val Kilmer Career Arc Sweepstakes. (The acknowledged victor and apex of his work is Heat. Snap your jaws down on that shit.) Still, these early Kilmer films are notable in that there’s an early version of Kilmer on screen, too — he’s playing a role, not some warped perception of his own self-image.
Never Die Alone (1:00 a.m. :: CW)
DMX’s Year of the Dog…Again (2006) is actually a concept album about the seven weird months where David Arquette and Courtney Cox’s crashed on his couch. Working title: Never Dine Alone.
Unique Whips (2:00 a.m. :: SPEED)
Join the team at “Unique Whips” as they conduct a fact-finding mission to Medieval Europe, hot on the trail of a tip that might finally resolve the origin of the cat o’ nine tails. Jadakiss guests. Wait, what? This show is about cars? Never mind.
Murder, She Wrote (2:00 a.m. :: Hallmark)
What if Eyes Wide Shut had starred Angela Lansbury instead of Tom Cruise? From this episode’s official description: “The governing committee of a men’s club commissions Jessica to identify a rogue member’s killer.”
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Tags: Angela Lansbury, DMX, Val Kilmer
Posted by: Johnny Loftus on March 14, 2009 at 5:00 pm
It’s all movies all the time this week in Late Night TV Junkie. Catch most of all four by playing the caroms off the commercial break rims.
Zoolander (12:30am, TBS)
Listen to your friend Billy Zane. He’s a cool dude.
Toxic Avenger (1:30am, G4)The enduring Troma Studios classic just jiggles with 1980s cheeze, terrifyingly broad slapstick, and adoration for New Jersey. And remember when toxic waste was the ultimate boogeyman? Just ask this guy.
Universal Soldier (1:00am, Spike)
Roland Emmerich-directed action/sci-fi clunker meant to capitalize on the Terminator craze. Fails at that, but succeeds at splitting the difference on bad action hero accents. Van Damme! Lundgren! Repressed memories! Required viewing for anyone looking forward to Sly Stallone’s Expendables.
Next of Kin (2:00am, TNT)
Dirty Dancing, Steel Dawn, Road House, Ghost, Point Break: From 1987 to 1991, The Swayze did no wrong. Well, that’s not entirely accurate. Next of Kin was his immediate House follow-up, and it’s perfect for viewing by the light of the microwave. Liam Neeson’s name is Briar, he’s The Swayze’s Kentucky hill country brother, and I think at some point he blows away some Chicago street toughs with a musket. Plus: Bill Paxton.
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Tags: Billy Zane, Mugatu, Patrick Swayze, Toxic Avenger, Troma, Universal Soldier, Zoolander
Posted by: Johnny Loftus on March 7, 2009 at 3:00 pm
You’ve cut out of Blowout early. There’s a Crave Case under your arm. Now what? Let the Late Night TV Junkie steer you to some quality tube. Hey, hey… put down that phone — she’s not coming over — and pick up the remote. Could be worse, you know: in bizarro world, the Sliders eat you.
Death Wish 3 [Midnight / AMC]
Just a taste. Also: In Death Wish 3, Bronson brandishes his whup-sword in order to save Deborah Raffin, who was also in a show no one in the Bivouac remembers, but from its title sequence seems like something Barry Bostwick would’ve come to blows with Perry King in the casting room to get.
Waiting to Exhale [12:30 a.m. / Bravo]
After you’re finished inhaling toxicants, exhale with Angela Bassett as she blows up the dude from “Third Watch”’s car.
“Knife Show” [1:00 a.m. / Ion]
Tonight’s special segment: modifying a Snuggie to accommodate a short sword or quick-access rapier. (The garish, Druidic robe’s own commercial is undoubtedly running simultaneously on another channel.) Also: Rambo knives — where are they now?
The Shaft [1:00 a.m. / Sci-Fi]
Naomi Watts, post-Jet Girl but pre-Mulholland Dr., fucks around with a hole in the ground. Watch out, girl — that shaft is a..
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Tags: Charles Bronson, Death Wish, Naomi Watts, White Castle
Posted by: Johnny Loftus on November 26, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Watching bisexual MySpace starlet Tila Tequila make out with random dudes and dudettes may not be as stomach-turning as watching New York do the same on her dating show, but it still makes us feel like we’ve done five too many shots of Jager. Tila, or TT as some like to call her, is only like three apples high. She’s a tiny tornado of libido, so when she’s walking around in nothing but a bungee cord and six inch heels, we’re not totally vomiting. Still, why must we be forced to see some guy get his balls waxed (and then get the boot by Tila; OK, that’s funny) and see Vanessa’s ass in a thong all the time? Is this a reality show or a documentary on the sexual habits of chachis and golddiggers?
“A Shot at Love” doesn’t have and never really had any characters worth watching or even laughing at. Italian cornball Domenico is okay for general humor, and sure, poor Ashley left the show bucking and kicking and screaming like a broken-hearted, pissed-off cowboy. But besides the occasional underwear fight or temper flash, there’s just so little champagne to soak in. Episodes boil down to buzzwords: respect, disrespect, drama, censored swear words, and Tila. Always Tila. She is the end and the beginning, and for being fascinating, unwatchable, and fascinatingly unwatchable, she gets our seal of crapproval. She is our queen of the damned.
We can only assume that, in the final episode, Tila’s final choice will be between a man and a woman. But the contestants’ emotions or personalities have never seemed very real. A spontaneous catfight at a key ceremony? That’s about as “real” as the girls on “The Bachelor” bawling their eyes out after getting kicked off in the second episode. At least VH-1 uses former celebrities and boozed-up “Partridge Family” members for their reality shows. “A Shot at Love” is pointless, even for this genre. But it will almost certainly return for a second season, likely as a full-on gang bang. — Shannon McCarthy
Who doesn’t like bull genitals?
Ashley loses his shit…
[tags]Tila Tequila, Partridge Family, Shot at Love, The Bachelor[/tags]
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Posted by: Johnny Loftus on November 7, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Oh, those Canadians with their charming ways. They’re the only ones who could’ve made this show work. And while it previously appeared on Game Show Network here in the US, “Kenny Vs. Spenny” should get its proper due when it debuts on Comedy Central Nov. 18. (The network will air 10 episodes culled from seasons 1 – 4 and 10 brand new episodes.)
“K vs. S” is reality plus competition. but forget about “Survivor”: simply put, the show features two best friends in Toronto who live together and do stupid competitions with each other. “Who Can Drink More Beer?”, “Who Can Stay Naked the Read more
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