Posted by: D'Anne Witkowski on April 24, 2009 at 10:30 am
Shawn MacArthur (Channing Tatum) used to sell pirated DVDs on the streets of New York like a good Christian boy, but then he found his true calling and will now punch you in the face for money. This is all thanks to Harvey Boarden (Terrence Howard) who sees Shawn as a potential street fighting champion. With Harvey as his guide, Shawn enters the bare-knuckled underworld where shirtless studs beat the shit out of each other for cash prizes in order to entertain rich people/gangsters/assholes in Fighting. It is, as you can imagine, a chance of a lifetime for a kid with nothing. It’s what most parents hope of for their children, after all, and there he is, living the dream. Unfortunately, as he gets better, the stakes (money, y’all) get higher and people start demanding more and more from him and it’s all, Jesus, can’t a guy just beat the shit out of other guys for a living in peace? Also there’s a girl he likes. Her name is Zulay (played by Zulay Henao. I know. Same first name. What were the chances?). She has a pretty mouth.
Taking “Crazy In Love” to a whole new level is Obsessed, a morality story about inter-racial dating. Oh, wait. My bad. It’s a morality story about psycho-stalking temp workers. Derek (Idris Elba. You know, Stringer Bell from The Wire) is an asset manager (meaning he caused the current economic crisis) who just got a big promotion (probably with bailout money). When a pretty blonde named Lisa (Ali Larter) becomes his secretary things spiral out of control. Because you know temp workers these days. With the economy so fucked up and so many people looking for work a lot temp workers are Read more
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Posted by: D'Anne Witkowski on April 17, 2009 at 1:15 pm
When Mike O’Donnell (played by Dudley Moore. Wait, no. Judge Reinhold? No. Oh, it’s Matthew Perry!) falls off a bridge after pursuing a magic janitor/hobo (think: It’s A Wonder Life crossed with Bill Cosby’s Ghost Dad) he somehow becomes 17 Again. Teen Mike (Kirk Cameron. Wait, no. Fred Savage? No. Oh, it’s Zac Efron!) decides to enroll in high school to relive the best years of his life – the very years that ended once he knocked up his high school girlfriend and married her only so she could throw his ass out of the house at age 37. Creepiness abounds when Mike befriends his own son (Sterling Knight) and starts hanging around his old house ogling his once-wife (Leslie Mann). He also realizes that he’s been kind of a failure as a dad as his son gets bullied at school and his daughter is planning on running away after graduation with the school’s biggest meathead. So Mike decides to finally step up and be a dad, except he’s 17. So, you know, it’s, like complicated. Rated NC-17 for excessive MILF content.
Jason Statham (Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels) plays modern day Tin Man Chev Chelios in Crank 2: High Voltage. After an Asian crime syndicate steals his heart and replaces it with a battery, Chelios will stop at nothing to get the original throbbing organ back. The only problem is, the battery that’s now sitting in his chest is about as reliable as a MacBook’s, which means in between gun battles and car chases, Chelios is constantly after his next charge. It’s hard to watch a man spiral out of control because of an addiction. But that’s what Chelios has. He is a sick man and he Read more
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Posted by: D'Anne Witkowski on April 10, 2009 at 11:00 am
It’s common knowledge that seeing a man’s penis, specifically when that man is flashing you in a mall parking lot, will make you fall in love with a mall security guard played by Seth Rogen. Or at least drive around in a golf cart with him. That’s the premise of Observe and Report the best screwball mall security guard comedy since Paul Blart: Mall Cop paved the golden way for screwball mall security guard comedies. Both movies feature chunky actors fighting evil at the mall, and both feature at least one scene in which those actors are decked out in grey sweatpants (hot!), but at least Seth Rogen is funny. Or can be. And Anna Ferris, who plays Rogen’s dream girl Barbi, isn’t hard to look at And that goes a long way when you’re spending $9 (because you’re totally going alone) to see a movie about a security guard gone rogue (just like Sarah Palin) in order to protect a bag of Read more
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Posted by: D'Anne Witkowski on April 3, 2009 at 10:30 am
With the auto industry slumping, what Detroit needs is a movie about futuristic robot cars that will have sex with you and pay your mortgage. What we get instead is Vin Diesel in Fast & Furious. To say this is your typical action movie is to do this film a disservice. It’s got hot chicks, fast cars, exploding semi trucks, guns, guys chasing other guys (with and without guns), cross-border adventure, and so much testosterone that intact male dogs will Read more
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Tags: Adventureland, Fast & Furious, Revanche, Sunset Boulevard, Three Stooges
Posted by: D'Anne Witkowski on March 27, 2009 at 10:30 am
Have you ever opened your refrigerator to find all of your food covered in mold? You’re probably just a slob with too many take out boxes from Panda Express, but it could also be that your house is haunted. At least that’s the case for the totally fucked family in The Haunting in Connecticut. Based on a true story (which means facts. Believe it!), Haunting will scare the spirit out of you, if you’re into that sort of thing. Need proof? Check out the back story on the film’s spooky Web site , which is riddled with grammatical and spelling errors because even Microsoft Word was too Read more
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Posted by: D'Anne Witkowski on March 20, 2009 at 10:00 am
Two sexy people get all duplicitous as Julia Roberts plays an ex-CIA officer and Clive Owen plays an ex M16 agent in Duplicity. They have sex, they fight, they have sex (not always with each other), they scheme, they have sex, they bicker – all while corporate lives are at risk. Who will come out on top? Only their hairdressers know for sure.
If that doesn’t sound scary enough, then how about this: Your plane will crash, your subway car will explode, your son will disappear! Unless… you listen to Read more
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Tags: Amy Adams, Clive Owens, Emily Blunt, Francois Truffaut, Jason Segel, John Malkovice, Julia Roberts, Nicolas Cage, Paul Rudd
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