Posted by: Johnny Loftus on March 7, 2009 at 3:00 pm

You’ve cut out of Blowout early. There’s a Crave Case under your arm. Now what? Let the Late Night TV Junkie steer you to some quality tube. Hey, hey… put down that phone — she’s not coming over — and pick up the remote. Could be worse, you know: in bizarro world, the Sliders eat you.

Death Wish 3 [Midnight / AMC]
Just a taste. Also: In Death Wish 3, Bronson brandishes his whup-sword in order to save Deborah Raffin, who was also in a show no one in the Bivouac remembers, but from its title sequence seems like something Barry Bostwick would’ve come to blows with Perry King in the casting room to get.

Waiting to Exhale [12:30 a.m. / Bravo]
After you’re finished inhaling toxicants, exhale with Angela Bassett as she blows up the dude from “Third Watch”‘s car.

“Knife Show” [1:00 a.m. / Ion]
Tonight’s special segment: modifying a Snuggie to accommodate a short sword or quick-access rapier. (The garish, Druidic robe’s own commercial is undoubtedly running simultaneously on another channel.) Also: Rambo knives — where are they now?

The Shaft [1:00 a.m. / Sci-Fi]
Naomi Watts, post-Jet Girl but pre-Mulholland Dr., fucks around with a hole in the ground. Watch out, girl — that shaft is a..

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Posted by: Johnny Loftus on November 26, 2007 at 5:00 pm

Watching bisexual MySpace starlet Tila Tequila make out with random dudes and dudettes may not be as stomach-turning as watching New York do the same on her dating show, but it still makes us feel like we’ve done five too many shots of Jager. Tila, or TT as some like to call her, is only like three apples high. She’s a tiny tornado of libido, so when she’s walking around in nothing but a bungee cord and six inch heels, we’re not totally vomiting. Still, why must we be forced to see some guy get his balls waxed (and then get the boot by Tila; OK, that’s funny) and see Vanessa’s ass in a thong all the time? Is this a reality show or a documentary on the sexual habits of chachis and golddiggers?

“A Shot at Love” doesn’t have and never really had any characters worth watching or even laughing at. Italian cornball Domenico is okay for general humor, and sure, poor Ashley left the show bucking and kicking and screaming like a broken-hearted, pissed-off cowboy. But besides the occasional underwear fight or temper flash, there’s just so little champagne to soak in. Episodes boil down to buzzwords: respect, disrespect, drama, censored swear words, and Tila. Always Tila. She is the end and the beginning, and for being fascinating, unwatchable, and fascinatingly unwatchable, she gets our seal of crapproval. She is our queen of the damned.

We can only assume that, in the final episode, Tila’s final choice will be between a man and a woman. But the contestants’ emotions or personalities have never seemed very real. A spontaneous catfight at a key ceremony? That’s about as “real” as the girls on “The Bachelor” bawling their eyes out after getting kicked off in the second episode. At least VH-1 uses former celebrities and boozed-up “Partridge Family” members for their reality shows. “A Shot at Love” is pointless, even for this genre. But it will almost certainly return for a second season, likely as a full-on gang bang. — Shannon McCarthy

Who doesn’t like bull genitals?
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Ashley loses his shit…
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[tags]Tila Tequila, Partridge Family, Shot at Love, The Bachelor[/tags]

Posted by: Johnny Loftus on November 7, 2007 at 12:52 pm

Oh, those Canadians with their charming ways. They’re the only ones who could’ve made this show work. And while it previously appeared on Game Show Network here in the US, “Kenny Vs. Spenny” should get its proper due when it debuts on Comedy Central Nov. 18. (The network will air 10 episodes culled from seasons 1 – 4 and 10 brand new episodes.)

“K vs. S” is reality plus competition. but forget about “Survivor”: simply put, the show features two best friends in Toronto who live together and do stupid competitions with each other. “Who Can Drink More Beer?”, “Who Can Stay Naked the Read more

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