Posted by: Woodwards Friend on March 11, 2009 at 9:14 am

nullThe Palace is not one of the city’s precious jewels
Jay Leno’s free concert has sent City Council over the edge. They are officially in padded room territory now. Martha Reeves plans to call Jay Leno and let him know about venue options in the city proper, such as beautiful Cobo Arena or maybe Harpos. One problem, she doesn’t know his number. Monica Conyers says Martha should just call NBC and they’ll totally connect her because she’s Martha Reeves. The last time Martha Reeves was that relevant, a young unknown named Johnny Carson was hosting The Tonight Show. He’s ok but there will never be another Jack Paar. (DetNews)

Like voting, newspapers are for the olds
The Detroit News made Time Magazine’s list of ten most endangered newspapers. Actually it was ranked fourth. That means the Detroit News is as endangered as fugitive Boston crime boss Whitey Bulger is wanted by the FBI. Naturally, we are linking to this story on the time honored news source known as “Yahoo.” Hmmm…just promise to open the link in the story above. Ok? (Yahoo)

Dave Bing’s education status angers up the Free Press klavern
Dave Bing one time said he earned his degree in 1966 when in fact he didn’t actually finish his program until 1995. Meh. It’s not like was a drug dealer in college like, say, Kwame Kilpatrick. Free Press message board participant “BiggyD” (who looks like he maybe once failed a community college course) writes: “Well the list of black men I admire is now down to two: Joe Dumars and Colin Powell. Every time I read, hear or see blacks act like blacks I try to remember there are some I admire. That list has just gotten smaller.” The Free Press can eliminate the message board instead of home delivery. Let these slobs return to Stormfront where they belong. (Freep)

If Walker: Texas Ranger was a Philip Roth novel
So…Chuck Norris and Glen Beck are starting their own private Plot Against America Friday afternoon with a special broadcast to a secret network of secessionist “cells” on the Fox News. The show is called We Surround Them. “We” meaning Glen Beck, Chuck Norris, and Tim McVeigh’s militia buddies and “them” meaning the blacks. Also the Muslims and the gays. Metro Detroit’s “cell” will watch this historic address at Hamlin Pub located at…wait for it…22 Mile and Hayes. Show up wearing your best Obama buttons and vintage Harvey Milk t-shirt. (WorldNet, Meet-up)

Felon Kwame Kilpatrick is the Texas justice system’s problem now
Kilpatrick gets to take his sorry ass to Texas for his charity job from Peter Karmanos. He also has to pay $16,000 of his restitution before he goes. That means he only owes Detroit taxpayers another $984,000. Then the Judge gave Kilpatrick a good talking to about respecting the system. Kwame Kilpatrick now understands that it was wrong to fly on a private jet to Texas, lease a new Escalade, etc when he still owes $1,000,000 to the taxpayers. In the future he will behave with humility. Say, while I have your attention, can we talk about an amazing time share opportunity? How would you like a week’s vacation for the rest of your life? (Freep)

Hands Across Detroit
Yesterday’s State of the State predicted that Detroit would become the new third world cause célèbre, replete with benefit concerts and the like. Actually that’s already happening. Later this month, a ten-day rock show marathon benefit will take place in Ferndale. Ok, ten days of music sounds pretty cool. They should invite Joan Baez to bray on about this being our Woodstock. Hopefully soon the organizers can better explain some details. Like what this Bob Geldof-crossed-with-the-Trumbullplex thing is actually raising money for. Also, ticket prices. Yes, we are snarking on people trying to “help.” That’s what we do. Flame away… (Assembly Line)

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Posted by: Woodwards Friend on March 10, 2009 at 9:28 am

Never let reality get in the way of a good conspiracy theory
Monica Conyers believes the Cobo expansion plan is really a plot by the UN to expand the drug trade controlled by the Queen of England. What? That’s no more daffy than believing union members stood on the roof of Cobo Hall with garden hoses to stage a leak during Sunday’s four inch rain storm. Monica, that tin foil hat suits you. Oh and see that picture of Monica’s husband John Conyers? He’s speaking to a bunch of LaRouchians. They actually believe the Queen of England controls the drug trade so, you know, crazy must run in the family. (WXYZ)

Detroit is the new pitiful third world famine place
Jay Leno is coming to town to help us out with a free show at the Palace. Pretty soon there will be benefit concerts organized by ex-Beatles and then Bob Geldof will produce a charity Christmas album for us. Then like 50 singers and Dan Akroyd Rosie O’Donnell will record a We Are Detroit song or some shit. Eventually Angelina Jolie will adopt our orphans. Hands Across Detroit, anyone? (DetNews)

U of M wants to kill your baby leftovers
So you finally got around to having babies for Jesus and your mother-in-law but your inside lady parts no longer work right. Oh hamburgers! You’ve got two choices. Either adopt a baby from a Romanian Juno, thus rescuing an innocent from hopeless poverty, or drop five-figures so you can make your own real baby. You choose option two and, in the process, create a whole mess of surplus embryos. Now “science” wants to use these spare babies for stem cells. What a horrible, horrible injustice. (Freep)

Kilpatrick/Beatty sext: putting a bow on it
The Judge said felon Kwame Kilpatrick had no right to privacy when it came to text messages on publicly owned pagers so he’s looking for another judge to give him $100,000,000 because rights he doesn’t have were violated. Ruth Carter said Mike Cox was planning to call the stripper party a fake from the word go but, then again, it’s Ruth Carter talking so unreliable narrator. Please, please, please let it be true. (DetNews, Freep)

State cuts the next Governor’s pay
In order to save money the state is going to cut the salaries of the Governor, Lt. Governor, Attorney General, and Secretary of State. Not the current Governor, et al but the ones that replace Granholm and company in 2011. That’s kind of a dick move. Maybe Mike Cox can also leave some old cheese in the back of the Attorney General’s desk drawer. (Crains)

There isn’t a lot to do in Jackson
If you are in the prison there’s yard time but for the rest of Jackson’s population there really isn’t a lot of ways to spend your time. That’s why the Eagles (the fraternal organization, not the shitty Don Henley band) have bingo nights. The Eagles themselves are too busy drinking Blatz on tap to pay much attention and that’s why the head of their bingo operation was able to steal $40,000 without anyone noticing, at least until they almost foreclosed the lodge. (MLive)

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Posted by: Woodwards Friend on March 9, 2009 at 9:14 am

It’s text message transcript day!
This afternoon the judge will release another 1400 text messages chronicling the corrupt governing styles of convicted felons Kwame Kilpatrick and Christine Beatty. This thing needs to be a TV show. Also their juvenile love affair. No one would believe grown-ups singing R. Kelly songs to each other, professing their love over text messages, and writing something as inane as “Jerry McGuire 2000! LOL!” but it could work as a tween drama on the N or ABC Family. Tween Kwame and Tween Christine could be student council leaders struggling with school, peer pressure, and parents but totally in love with each other. And always texting. The kids love to text these days. Also Twitter. (Freep)

Even God is in favor of the Cobo deal
The roof of treasured jewel Cobo Hall is leaking. There were tarps and buckets everywhere during Autorama. It’s interesting because, if the Cobo deal had been approved, fixing this roof would probably be the regional authority’s problem. Instead, it’s up to Detroit taxpayers. Maybe Monica Conyers, Barbara-Rose Collins, and Agnes Hitchcock fix the damn roof themselves since they love Cobo so much. Martha Reeves and Joann Watson are on bucket duty. (Freep)

Weather makes local road bureaucrats cry
So the annual winter/spring freeze and thaw cycle is especially bad for the roads this year. Some truckers say Michigan roads are as horrible as a truck stop without porn. Abed Itani of the Grand Valley Metro Council thinks that’s mean because local road commissions aren’t neglecting the roads. They just aren’t fixing them. Hey truckers, stop hurting Abed’s feelings! When he gets sad he totally binge eats and you know he had that weight problem in high school. Abed Itani is such a girl. (MLive)

Final Four will include terrible douchebags
Let’s say you’re on the Pyramid and playing for the big money. Betty White is sitting across from you reading a list of names: Ryan Seacreast, Fergie, the Pussycat Dolls, Ryan Seacreast, ugh ugh Ryan Seacreast… Naturally you would answer: People Who Are Douchebags or Inhabitants Of My Own Personal Hell. Unfortunately this isn’t the Pyramid and Fergie, Ryan Seacreast, and the Pussycat Dolls will “entertain” us during the Final Four. Hasn’t Detroit suffered enough? (DetNews)

Mark Hackel is too thin to run for governor
Since the times of Andrew Jackson, the Democrats have been the party of the common man. They want a 2010 gubernatorial candidate that can relate to the common man in Michigan. That’s why all their candidates (Cherry, Perles, Williamson) are old fat guys. Well, well, well looks like fancy elitist Macomb County Sheriff Mark Hackel wants to break that mold. Mr. I’m-the-Macomb-County-Obama is only 46 and in great shape. Well fuck him and his healthy lifestyle. Mark Hackel couldn’t carry George Perles’ manssiere. Alternatively, are we going to throw away John Cherry for what? An inadequate skinny male! (Macomb Daily)

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Posted by: Woodwards Friend on March 8, 2009 at 4:10 pm

Safe, clean drinking water is for fancy people in other states
There are a dozen or so contaminated wells out in Kalamazoo and everyone is all: who put this industrial waste shit in our drinking water? The culprit: creatures from outer space and the Trilateral Commission. This unsubstantiated assertion will hold up because the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality is too poors to give us a better explanation. They can no longer afford to investigate the quality of Michigan’s environment. That’s especially awesome if you have a chunk of mercury that you need to get rid of quick. And we do. (MLive)

Free Press restructuring hand-wringing begins
For the next 22 days, the Detroit Free Press will bore its readers with daily articles about their restructuring plans. They have all kinds or reasons and excuses that are all fairly valid but also boring and terrible. As a public service, here is a condensed explanation: You cheap slobs couldn’t go fifty cents for a newspaper and you totally ignore all the ads on their website so Gannet’s stock is in the tank. We are dangerously close to losing the daily local newspaper as an institution. That means we are dangerously close to leaving news gathering to Bill Spencer and the merry band of drooling TV retards. Seriously, buy a God damn paper once in a while. And maybe read about something other than Ultimate Fighting. (Freep)

State Democrats don’t want the goobacks to tukrjibs!
Knee-jerk protectionism hasn’t been this popular since the Smoot-Hawley Tariff, you know, that thing Ben Stein talked about in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. State Democrats wanted to require that companies getting tax breaks hire people from Michigan before fur’ners from Ohio and California but this pesky “U.S. Constitution” thing got in the way. Now they are just asking nicely. Please Hire Michigan First! To do what exactly? There can’t be that many bankruptcy lawyers in the unemployment line. (DetNews)

And then he’s gone…Corey Smith’s death as cheap sentiment
Oh noes, Mitch Albom is all broken up over Corey Smith’s death. He just can’t go on without shedding some crocodile tears. Did you know Mitch Albom used to ask Corey Smith questions about football because Mitch Albom is a big-time sports reporter and Corey Smith played football? OMG that could have been Mitch who died! Corey Smith’s death makes Mitch Albom think about mortality and shit. Which is to say, like the deaths of every other reasonably famous person ever, it makes Mitch think about he can market his brand to the Oprah set. No one can monetize death quite like Mitch Albom. (Freep)

Posted by: Woodwards Friend on March 6, 2009 at 8:31 am


Barbara-Rose Collins is out of her freaking gourd
Half of City Council showed up last night for an informal meeting about Cobo Hall and they did not disappoint. Agnes Hitchcock plans to march on Lansing, throw grapes at the Governor, and get her some stimulus money. Monica Conyers is filing a lawsuit. What fun! Not to be outdone, Barbara-Rose Collins thanked an Arab-American man for inventing geometry. We shit you not. Then she led the Jacobin crowd in a rendition of Onward Christian Soldiers. We aren’t making this up. This is what actually happened. Watch the video. Clarence Darrow warned us: “With flying banners and beating drums we are marching backward to the glorious age of the sixteenth century, when bigots lighted fagots to burn the men who dared to bring any intelligence and enlightenment and culture to the human mind.” (Crains, Freep)

Martha Reeves is dumber than sawdust
We just can’t keep up. There is just so much stupidity on City Council that it is impossible to absorb it all. It’s like moron overload. Martha Reeves once, a half century ago, sang a couple pop songs that people liked. This is her single lifetime accomplishment and it qualifies her to serve on City Council. Thank goodness for her leadership because who else would suggest that city government (with its $300,000,000 structural deficit) buy the city employee’s pension fund? 1. How do you buy a pension fund? 2. What good will that do? It’s worth noting that Reeves and Denny McLain share an attorney so maybe this is Farmer Peets 2.0. Who the fuck knows what’s going on in that woman’s head. (DetNews)

And Monica Conyers behaves like a petulant child
So Andy, the proprietor of, was enjoying a spot of lunch at Louie’s on Mack Avenue when Monica Conyers walked in (wearing a full length mink coat) with her Cosa Nostra-like entourage.  After leaving their taxpayer funded car in a no parking zone, Conyers and friends ordered take-out. When you write the laws you don’t have to follow them. At she didn’t sleep in the back of the car while sending her taxpayer funded bodyguard inside to order her lunch. Stay classy Monica. (Hot Fudge Detroit)

The naturals collect unemployment in a maverick way
Michigan’s unemployment rate is at 11.4%. It hasn’t been that high since December 1984. Back then, the Tigers were reigning World Series champs. It’s been 25 years since the economy sucked this hard. Maybe that means the Tigers will have a good season? Dontrelle Willis and Rick Porcello are supposedly having good springs and that line-up is still fierce. When the unemployment rate is 11.4%, you might as well enjoy the baseball season because there not much else to get excited about. (DetNews)

Making fun of dead people is not funny
WXYT’s Mike Valenti usually spends his air shift bitching about Michigan State and listening to idiot callers offer wholly implausible trade scenarios. The other day he broke format and made fun of Corey Smith. Ha ha ha, Corey Smith probably drowned in the Atlantic Ocean and the Lions really suck! Valenti apologized yesterday. Why? Joking about Corey Smith’s death isn’t anymore inane than some long-time listener, first-time caller from White Lake suggesting the Pistons offer two second round draft pick for Dwight Howard. (Freep)

Preservationists save historic Macomb County landmark
For several years the Clinton Township Big Boy was a gathering place for the local elders. These treasured seniors would share their wisdom with anyone in earshot. On any given day, a Big Boy customer could learn valuable things about “these kids today” and “Burl’s goiter” from these wise and learned citzens. They also enjoyed their senior coffee and, even though it will mean skipping dinner, a slice of the strawberry pie. Sadly changing demographics, the economic downturn, and a new Bob Evans down the road left the Big Boy vacant and facing the wrecking ball. Then at the last minute…a miracle. The beloved old Big Boy is saved! (Macomb Daily)

Guy with Mullet couldn’t bribe a dog catcher now
James Rosendall and his luscious mullet spread hundreds of dollars (and several free lunches) around City Council to get approval for Synagro’s sludge plant. It would have been a thing of beauty, if it had been built. Sadly, Detroit won’t get this wonderful sludge plant because the FBI claims Rosendall’s honorariums to City Council members were really bribes. Just like Cobo, The Man thwarts the will of Detroit’s elected officials. Rosendall and his mullet are broke now and Fifth Third Bank would like their compost pile back. (Freep)

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Posted by: Woodwards Friend on March 5, 2009 at 9:39 am

Detroit City Charter is the most useless document ever
If they wrote the Weimar Constitution in red crayon on the back of a Denny’s place mat stained with syrup and egg yolk, it would still be a more vital governing document than the Detroit City Charter. Weimar fucking Germany. You remember that constitution; the one that accidentally allowed Adolph Hitler to go from third place candidate to the worst dictator ever. At least Weimar clearly defined the limits of an executive veto. Oh hey, this is about Cobo. (Freep)

Jennifer Granholm was born yesterday
Our brave governor suddenly realized that Michigan’s roads are, in her official estimation, “the pits.” Is that a technical term? Does MDOT include “the pits” in their lexicon of road conditions? Granholm wants to change the gas tax so we can fix our terrible roadways. What a great idea! It’s a shame she didn’t think of this, you know, seven years ago when she first took office. Way to be on the ball Jenny. (DetNews)

Monday will be an orgy of text message porn
Call in sick Monday, make yourself a cocktail (or eight), and settle in for what should be a massive PDF filled with the details of felon Kwame Kilpatrick’s petty, dumb life. We already know so much that it’s hard to imagine there’s anything left that’s all that shocking. For instance, we know that Kilpatrick put down a Benz (sic) Chili Bowl sausage before Christine Beatty put down his sausage. Oh but there must be so much more! He didn’t fight to keep public record hidden because  Carlita was nagging him to pick up a quart of milk. (DetNews)

Wayne State to stimulate students
It wasn’t that long ago when “team of rivals” was the worst pundit catch phrase in the history of the chattering class. Oh to return to those innocent times! The paradigms have shifted. “Stimulus” is the new insufferable catch phrase. Wayne State isn’t increasing financial aid. They are providing tuition stimulus. Pretty soon Honeybee’s free samples will be called gastronomic stimulus. Hand jobs (not hand outs) will be erotic stimulus. The Mariel Boat Lift to Canada can’t happen soon enough. (Freep)

Fancy elitist Ann Arbor just another colony of poors
How do you like them apples, Ann Arbor? You thought you were so special with your nationally recognized university, sophisticated population, and pleasant downtown. Well guess what? The economy sucks and now you’re all poor slobs like the rest of southeast Michigan. Café Zola will probably just turn into a Rams Horn with $2.99 breakfasts and senior coffee. Feels good, knowing those uppity bastards are standing in the same unemployment lines as the rest of us. (MLive)

Blackwell means slob in the original Highland Park
When Robert Blackwell was Highland Park’s comically inept mayor, he used to conduct business out of the local strip club. Now that his son Art is Highland Park’s pretend mayor Emergency Financial Manager, he draws a secret salary and still can’t pay for his four luxury automobiles. Oh look! Art’s secret salary was even larger then he first let on. Why did they replace that nice accountant lady with this douche? Maybe not the best of decisions. (WDIV)

Posted by: Woodwards Friend on March 4, 2009 at 9:00 am

Let’s just drive DPS into the river and report it stolen
Emergency Financial Manager Robert “Bob” Bobb signed his contract to run the Detroit Public Schools. Then he announced the district has a $150,000,000 deficit. Hey, nice work guy. It was only $139,000,000 when unfit parent Reverend David Murray and friends ran things. Bobb thinks he’s so special just because he can read a balance sheet correctly. Well look here, elitist, we have ways of dealing with your kind…throwing grapes. We will throw lots and lots of grapes at Robert Bobb. That’ll learn him. (Freep)

Cobo Hall is like a giant migraine headache
Monica Conyers called several important Congresspersons to find out if she could get some sweet and tasty stimulus money for Cobo Hall. That is to say, she called her age inappropriate husband, the once respected John Conyers, and he told his wife whatever she wanted to hear. That’s what you do when you marry crazy. Meanwhile Dave Bing is still yammering on like an est facilitator. He blames Ken Cockrel’s poor “leadership” because Monica is crazy, Joann Watson is stubborn, and Martha Reeves, Alberta Tinsley-Talabi, and Barbara-Rose Collins are dumb. (Freep, more Freep)

Detroit fire houses are like hippie sororities
In the grand tradition of karma cockpunching Detroit, a fire house burned down. Yes a fire house. Where firemen live and fire trucks are usually parked. Apparently one of these “firefighters” (trained in the art and science of fire) placed a towel over a lamp to create some mood lighting. He then lit some incense and was ready to curl up in bed with a Herman Hesse paperback when the alarm ran. The towel caught on fire and the whole place burned down. Seriously. (DetNews)

Toward a post-employment economy
Something like 26,000 more people transitioned into post-employment last month. What exciting and historic times we live in! The problem is so many of you people are now post-employment that the folks and at the postunemployment office can’t keep up with the pace. Some of you people will have to get off the couch, shower, and perform “work” for government in order to help others make the transition. Typical socialist nonsense. (MLive, more MLive)

Rochelle Riley listens to Alanis Morrisette
Rochelle is mad as hell because she went down on AIG in a theatre or something and now they want more of our precious tax dollars. Wait, we’re giving money to crappy banks? When did that start? Oh, yeah six months ago. Let’s all get faux-empowered and not take it anymore. The late, great Paddy Chayefsky deserves better than to be filler in a dumb Rochelle Riley column but here we are. It’s not fair for AIG to deny Rochelle of the cross she bared, etc. etc. To the barricades! (Freep)

Dear Penthouse Forum, Grand Rapids never thought this would happen to them
Kent County Commissioner James Vaughn was nailing this one chick when his girlfriend showed up and was like: why should I be jealous when I can just join in? That’s our kind of girlfriend. Unfortunately the lady getting drilled in the bed was like: this is my man tonight, I ain’t sharing. A cat fight ensued which was probably way hot until the cops showed up. Now they’re explaining the whole thing in court. Anyone else think the judge isn’t wearing anything under his robe? (MLive)

In case you don’t get to it, Lessenberry’s column in 100 words or less
Newspapers are dying and that is very sad. Also Dick Tracy foretold the Stephen Grant murder or something. But that’s not what’s important. What’s really important is that Macomb Community College is having this big thing about the 1960’s which is the most important decade ever because that’s when the most important generation ever came of age. Richie Havens and the Smothers Brothers will tell you all about it. So listen up you little shits because things were important back then. (Metro Times)

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