Posted by: Woodwards Friend on March 8, 2009 at 4:10 pm

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Safe, clean drinking water is for fancy people in other states
There are a dozen or so contaminated wells out in Kalamazoo and everyone is all: who put this industrial waste shit in our drinking water? The culprit: creatures from outer space and the Trilateral Commission. This unsubstantiated assertion will hold up because the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality is too poors to give us a better explanation. They can no longer afford to investigate the quality of Michigan’s environment. That’s especially awesome if you have a chunk of mercury that you need to get rid of quick. And we do. (MLive)

Free Press restructuring hand-wringing begins
For the next 22 days, the Detroit Free Press will bore its readers with daily articles about their restructuring plans. They have all kinds or reasons and excuses that are all fairly valid but also boring and terrible. As a public service, here is a condensed explanation: You cheap slobs couldn’t go fifty cents for a newspaper and you totally ignore all the ads on their website so Gannet’s stock is in the tank. We are dangerously close to losing the daily local newspaper as an institution. That means we are dangerously close to leaving news gathering to Bill Spencer and the merry band of drooling TV retards. Seriously, buy a God damn paper once in a while. And maybe read about something other than Ultimate Fighting. (Freep)

State Democrats don’t want the goobacks to tukrjibs!
Knee-jerk protectionism hasn’t been this popular since the Smoot-Hawley Tariff, you know, that thing Ben Stein talked about in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. State Democrats wanted to require that companies getting tax breaks hire people from Michigan before fur’ners from Ohio and California but this pesky “U.S. Constitution” thing got in the way. Now they are just asking nicely. Please Hire Michigan First! To do what exactly? There can’t be that many bankruptcy lawyers in the unemployment line. (DetNews)

And then he’s gone…Corey Smith’s death as cheap sentiment
Oh noes, Mitch Albom is all broken up over Corey Smith’s death. He just can’t go on without shedding some crocodile tears. Did you know Mitch Albom used to ask Corey Smith questions about football because Mitch Albom is a big-time sports reporter and Corey Smith played football? OMG that could have been Mitch who died! Corey Smith’s death makes Mitch Albom think about mortality and shit. Which is to say, like the deaths of every other reasonably famous person ever, it makes Mitch think about he can market his brand to the Oprah set. No one can monetize death quite like Mitch Albom. (Freep)

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